ANTM: The One About Metamorphosis

So we’ve arrived at the makeover episode of America’s Next Top Model. To me, this one started off slow. I also need to recommend to the producers of America’s Next Top Model that they could maybe give their graphic artists more than 5 minutes to create ‘after’ images of each girl.

You see, they used this ‘software’ to morph a picture of each girl from her current look to her new, amazing, Top Model-y look. It reminded me of a VH1 (which I don’t really watch that often, I swear) little cartoon thing they used to do during the credits of some shows. They were cut-out paper cats watching cut-out paper cat versions of music videos and concerts. The one that sticks with me was one of “Welcome to the Jungle” with its kitty Slash with the big hair & bigger hat and little paper cut-out cat paws waving in the air & body-passing each other. But I digress.

Everyone was all happy with their makeovers. No one’s crying. Come ON — someone have a meltdown! Then, the skies opened up and there it was, Bianca being told that her hair was a reddish-purplish haystack on top her head. The blond coloring would never take, or it would take but it would fall out, and they would have to shave her & wig her. Excellent.

To her credit, she did the whole noble silent tear thing. And, she did reveal some baggage. Something about Mom telling her you can’t be pretty with short hair. Ok, someone’s got some stuff to work out, I’ll give her that.

It was at this point that I noticed Victoria getting a lot of screen time. Hm.

I also learned a TON about Cover Girl! And that a winged eye is a big gamble. Sarah wins the challenge, hooray! You can see her at Cover Girl’s site, natch! (By the way, that site was yelling at me about not having Java installed, blah, blah, blah. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Tyra Mail! The girls get the cryptic message: ‘Are you ready to be deflowered? Love, Tyra’ Now, this is false advertising because: (a) it sounds naughty even though this is network television & you know it won’t be naughty and (b) the photo shoot is the girls BECOMING flowers. They’re only deflowered after the photo shoot.

During this photo shoot, I learn that Chantal thinks baby’s breath is perfect for her as she loves it. ANTM‘s version of baby’s breath is a bit more soft core porn than I thought necessary, but I’m not an artistic director. Chantal also cares about modeling on a different level from these other girls. I notice Chantal also getting a lot of screen time. Hm.

And we’re at panel! OMG! Tyra does the prizes shpiel, introduces the basic 3 judges and the wild card judge is — surprise — the photographer at the shoot. Couldn’t they get Nigel’s wife? She told me about the danger in winged eyes; I think she’s qualified enough.

Highlights of the panel include Victoria once again (supposedly) getting defensive with Twiggy. Miss Jay makes comments about the rings on Victoria’s neck, likening them to the rings of a tree. Tyra then does an impression of Ebony at panel. I love it when Tyra acts. We don’t get Miss Jay whipping out a ‘dragilicious’ in this panel, but we do get the term ‘mens-magazine-y’ which is a nice way of saying ‘skanky’, I suppose.

Then Tyra’s got 11 girls in front of her, but only 10 photos in her hand, and those photos represent the girls who are still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model. Tyra’s trying really hard not to string the words together. We end up with Victoria and Saleisha in the bottom two. Chantal just squeaked out, and then I remembered Saleisha’s comment early in the episode: “I’ll never be in the bottom two.” Did you hear that? Yes, it was an evil laugh.

Not surprisingly, Victoria is out & the first thing she does is take off the high heels, which I would probably do as well. Overthinkers never do well in Top Model.

Next week — we’re teased with the possibility of a girl cracking her head open on the ice when they do an ice-skating photo shoot. I’m so glad it’s the start of hockey season. Until next time, be fierce!