The Hills: I Just Really Don’t Want to Throw Up.

Posted by ButtonKnows

Here’s a hint: If you’re a cast member on The Hills and you get invited to a party? Like, at the apartment of another cast member of The Hills? And you don’t already live with them?

Go clubbing instead.

Because otherwise, something weird is going to happen to you. Guaranteed. Like, you’re going to part ways with your girlfriend. Or boyfriend. Or roommate. Or Spencer.

Or you’re going to find out that your current or former girlfriend or boyfriend or roommate or Spencer is doing something with a member of the opposite sex that you aren’t going to like one bit.

Which is where we begin tonight’s episode: With Lauren invited to a little get-together at Jason’s so she can meet his —surprise! — new girlfriend. Would you go? No. Would I go? No. Would Lauren go? You betcha!

But first there is business to tend to. Everybody’s favorite little constrictor-faced uber boss woman, Lisa Love, has entrusted everyone’s favorite little bunny-faced junior boss woman, Whitney, to overlord a photo shoot with the creatively-named Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Which is actually a band and not the most complicated offering from the Lauren Conrad Collection, in stores in January 2008.

“Take what you need,” Love instructs. Clothing? Hair products? Schedules?


Good enough.

After meeting up with the boys at a hotel room and handing out the requisite fashion for the next day’s festivities — jeans (preferably size 8 womens if the lead singer has his way) — our Whit makes a fine executive decision. Since everyone has to be onset the next day at 9am … they will all go out tonight and make sure that absolutely no one is worth a damn in the morning. And they do. With gusto.

“I hope I don’t get druh-hunk!” warbles Whitney, in between band-ordered rounds of something that Audrina has to plug her nose to get through.

In the meantime, we’re treated to a few moments of Super Wedding Princess Barbie Heidi wading happily through china and glassware with her gift registration beeper thingie in hand and Spencer in tow. Which concludes like just about everything else that actually pertains to Spencer’s participation in an actual wedding — with Heidi announcing that they will try this again at a later date.

(Like after we determine whether there will be a Season 4 or not, sister.)

Anyways, back at the photo shoot, Whitney and Lauren announce their goals for the workday. Whitney wants the band to show up. Lauren just really does not want to throw up. All in a day’s work, boys and girls. All in a day’s work.

Presumably the shoot goes off reasonably as planned, even though the girl-pant wearing lead singer does not wish to change into the other pair of jeans Whitney brought for him, because, like, they are not his. Well yes, they are. She brought them for you. Making them yours. But whatever. Semantics and fashion obviously do not go hand in hand.

And anyhow, we now have bigger fish to fry — that little gathering of the girlfriends at J.Wah’s. Where we learn that his heart has been stolen away by a feline-faced little eyeliner fan named Katja who appears to be enjoying the TV cameras about as much as her nemesis appears to be enjoying the fact that she exists.

In other words, not so much.

And when a fellow reveler raises his plastic cup to toast the real reason for the gathering — J.Wah and Katja’s engagement — the drama shifts into overdrive.

“Is it wrong that I want to leave?” Lauren asks Audrina, who must have decided it is, since she gets no further than the complex’s courtyard, where her ever chivalrous ex-beau tracks her down.

She calls him an idiot for getting engaged at 20. He counters that she knooows he’s always been about being in a relationship. Yeeeahhh. Jessica? Cami? Anybody wanna chime in here?

Since this would be as good a time as any to further remind us of the perils of getting engaged at 20, we once again find Spence and Heidi dining out, where she has resumed discussion of her big white imaginary wedding and he suggests Tibet as a fine place to have it. Without any guests.

“What would your parents say?” she scolds. Apparently not much, since he hasn’t actually told them he’s getting married.

Which would be as good a time as any to cut back to Lauren, now also out to eat, and also discussing engagements with Whitney. When she’s imagined her own betrothal, Lauren laments, “It didn’t include a kegger and a Bob Marley poster.” Or, I’m guessing, a sandy rear end and a cheese-ball bauble selected in 90 seconds from some store at The Grove?

There’s hope for you, Conrad. There’s hope for you yet.

About Lori Acken 1195 Articles
Lori just hasn't been the same since "thirtysomething" and "Northern Exposure" went off the air.