“Shaq’s Big Challenge” Premiere Live Blog!

Who’s ready for some “exploitive and cruel” fun?

The Shaq’s Big Challenge premiere party live blog is going to start tonight at 9pm ET.

After the jump, we’ll introduce you to the six kids Shaq is going to whip into shape, and give you some pretty interesting recipe ideas — “pizza burritos,” anyone?

Then grab a 2-liter bottle of RC Cola, a garbage bag full of Funyuns, a bucket of KFC, one of those Burger King Quad Stackers and join in the live blog action! Tune in to ABC, refresh the site often, post your comments (keep them clean, it’s a family show!) and experience high levels of amusement and cholesterol!

Meet The Kids!

The six kids who’ll be taking Shaq’s Big Challenge are:

Walter, 14, 285 lbs. — A videogame addict (five hours a day), Walter is a sensitive and lonely teen who is often teased about his weight and his acne. He dreams of developing his own videogames, and his favorite food is “pizza burritos.”

Kit, 14, 263 lbs. — Kit is a talented artist but, due to her weight, she’s treated like an outsider at school. She’s sheltered by her protective parents, and her mom blames herself for Kit’s obesity.

Kevin, 13, 230 lbs. — Kevin says his dad is his biggest motivator. He’s teased at school, but when tested, is able to complete the most push-ups of the kids in the show — 6. But it’s still painfully short of the national norm for his age.

Chris, 11, 206 lbs. — a prankster who adores his mom’s Cuban cooking, Chris’ big weakness is portion control. He aspires to be a professional Yankee, but is the butt of jokes among other kids due to his weight.

James, 11, 182 lbs. — A good-natured redhead who dreams of being a professional wrestler, this junk food junkie loves his “fryburgers” — hamburgers with fries on top. His mom normally melts two sticks of butter into an average batch of popcorn.

Ariel, 14, 211 lbs. — An emotional eater, Ariel developed a weight problem after her parents’ break-up when she was younger. She’s very optimistic about her decision to lose the weight, but she collapses five minutes into her stress test. Fit kids last 20-30 minutes.

Live Blog Starts Now!

Welcome, According to Jim fans! The moment we’ve waited for is here! Here comes the Shaq Attack! It just occurred to me this afternoon that Shaq’s Big Challenge won’t be seen at the same time on the West Coast unless they get the ABC West feed (Mmmm … West feed.) So I guess you guys on the left coast just have to look surprised when it comes on three hours from now.

It was nice to see the highlight reel with Shaq-A-Claus! I totally remember that!

He he. Frybooger. I like the way this first kid James sort of fakes surprise at seeing Shaq walk in the door. Could this show get any better than Shaq attempting to sing the theme to Cheers? “Learn the words, black people!”

I like Shaq in this show. I believe he’s sincere about wanting to help these kids. He’s just a big kid himself.

Looks like Shaq might have met his match in Walter. He plays video games all day, sits and snacks. He wants to be a video game programmer. I think he’s got most of the qualifications for that job already.

So is Shaq’s house the one that has Shaq-apulco in the backyard? Shaq’s episode was my all-time favorite of MTV Cribs.

The Presidential Physical Fitness test always did me in, too. I could pass most of the stuff, but pullups were my Achilles’ heel. Oh, no, Walter! You did not just fart on Shaq!

Nice to see the other kids helping Walter out on the track. I think the biggest problem for these kids is self-esteem. If they feel good about themselves, and have people around them who love and support them, their whole lifestyle will get better.

So do you guys prefer “The Bro” or “The Manzier”?

So was it fair to make the boys wear the fishnet tank tops while they’re doing the stress test?

Hmm. Nothing kills the mood like the word “morbid.”

Shaq better watch out. He got a little close to that ceiling fan in the dining room. Where could I buy five pounds of fat like that? I think it would be nice to just carry around and show people.

So let me see if I got this straight. Three of the kids aren’t even showing up to the gym, and the ones who are there are just goofing off? This is not going to sit well with Shaq and the Doc.

Mrs. Cubicle QB just said Doc looks like Stanley Tucci on steroids. +1 for Mrs. Cubicle QB.

Well, that did it. It went by fast. On the previews for the upcoming shows, it looks like Walter really kicked it in the ass and really lost a lot of weight. Good for him. I see that Shaq was shooting baskets, and for every one he made, James had to give up a food item. James should have made Shaq shoot free throws.

I really didn’t find the show cruel or exploitive. Maybe it was a little bit questionable to have the kids train on their own for the first week, knowing that they’d fail badly. But I suppose that just shows the degree to which these kids need some guidance to make a huge change in their lifestyle.

[Update: So we had a little seminar on healthy eating at the office today, and the presenter brought along the Five Pounds of Fat to show us. It was awesome. She let me borrow it, and I paraded it triumphantly around the office for a while. Johnnysweeptheleg was most pleased to see it. It has been the highlight of my week month.]

9 Comments

  1. 9:00pm – The show had me believing it was all sincere until the end. When they had Shaq making shots from more than two feet away on that driveway hoop, I realized it’s all based on lies. Obviously, they used CGI to make it look like Shaq made those jumpshots in the driveway basketball hoop. If I find out these kids are just wearing leftover Norbert prosthetics, I’m going to feel very upset.

  2. 8:48pm – My money is on James losing the most. He seems to have the motivation, personality, etc. Have the Vegas oddsmakers put a line on this, yet?

  3. 8:44pm – OK, if this doesn’t motivate people to diet and work out, I don’t know what does. I mean, I have 6% body fat, and I can’t wait to hit the gym extra hard tomorrow because of what I just saw. Geez.

  4. 8:20pm – Woah. This trainer guy looks like a ripped, head-shaved Steve Carell.

    If he gets his chest hair shaved like a Man-O-Lantern while yelling “KELLY CLARKSON!” in the middle of training, I’m afraid he may scare the kids.

  5. 8:17pm – I kinda felt bad for Shaq. The kid who “sits and snacks” has every single video game system and every game that’s ever been created. Yet when they sit down to play video games, he doesn’t break out the “Shaq Fu” game from the Super Nintendo days.

    Come on, kid. Hit eBay beforehand and purchase that, for mad brownie points once the big fella stops over at the house.

    Yes, brownie points. I couldn’t pass it up.

  6. Wait, let me get this straight. So Shaq’s visiting the second family of the evening. Every family member is wearing a tank-top. Yet Shaq, the guy who plays basketball for a living and wears one as a uniform, is the only one not sporting a tank-top? It feels like I’m in an Alanis video. Do you have a knife? No, but I have 10,000 spoons.

    Isn’t it ironic?

  7. 8:00pm – Here we go! Gary Trent’s Big Challenge! Oh wait, this isn’t the Shaq of the MAC’s Big Challenge? Shoot. Nevermind. I’m outta here.

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About Ryan Berenz 2045 Articles
Devotee of Star Wars. Builder of LEGO. Observer of televised sports. Member of the Television Critics Association. Graduate of the University of Wisconsin. Connoisseur of beer. Consumer of cheese. Father of two. Husband of one. Scourge of the Alaskan Bush People. Font of Simpsons knowledge. Son of a Stonecutter.