Oompa-Loompa Love

Have you SEEN this show Sunset Tan on E!? Imagine, if you will, the most outrageous, most exaggerated stereotypes you’ve ever heard about the superficiality and vanity of Los Angeles. Got it? Times that by two, and you’ve just scratched the surface of the staff and customers at the Sunset Tan salon.

There’s been quite an uproar surrounding the mom who insisted that her very young (6 years old, if I remember correctly) daughter get the “Lindsay Lohan Special” for her school pictures — and dropped $1,300 to make it happen. While I of course find this woman reprehensible, I was equally as disturbed by Nick, the salon’s skeezy salesman. Maybe (or definitely) I’m not a born salesman, but his rapid-fire word vomit listing all the sprays, creams and gels that little Hohan would need gave me the creeps. After watching episode 2, I’ve decided that Nick is really just a relatively harmless (albeit annoying) dude who’s just too caught up in his whole rescued from a restaurant/hungry for money/there’s a sucker born every minute shtick to have any real personality.

Then you’ve got the rest of Sunset Tan’s staff:
First, meet the heinously vapid “Olly Girls,” Holly and Molly. Even together, these girls don’t possess a complete brain. A complete set of four silicone-city boobs, sure, but brains? Not so much.

Next up? Sunset Tan’s leather-skinned and highlight happy owners Devin and Jeff. Looking for all the world like a couple of Baywatch rejects, dudes seem to think it’s OK to frolic around naked in front of their buxom young employees.

Finally, there’s manager Janelle. In her finest moment, Janelle pitched a fit when Devin and Jeff invited Nick to accompany them on a trip to Las Vegas to meet Palms owner George Maloof and maybe show them he’s up to taking over their new salon in the hotel. I mean, how could they?! Janelle has been there for three years!

Every time I finish watching an episode of Sunset Tan, I rest my roll-weary eyes and feel utterly disgusted … that I can’t stop watching. Why?! Why can’t I look away?! I must know who will get the Vegas salon! I have to see if Oklahoma Erin becomes as vacant and soulless as the Olly Girls! I can’t miss it if Chris Kattan comes back to tan his hairy chest and cracks me up with more questions like, “Are you guys on ecstasy?”

Only time — and my ever-decreasing brain cell supply — will tell if, by the end of the season, I’ll want nothing more than to have skin the color of an Oompa Loompa.

UPDATE: Always the concerned humanitarians, Devin and Jeff are doing their darnedest to make sure everyone’s favorite socialite doesn’t fade away while serving her 23-day stint in lockup. Yep, they’re actually petitioning to arrange a visit to Paris in the slammer. You know, rehabilitation is all well and good, but if you have to look pasty while you’re doing it? Just not worth it.

THE FIVE-MINUTES-LATER UPDATE: She’s OUT?! I have to admit I’m surprised that Paris made it even three days, but come on, Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. What’s the point? More importantly, though, who thinks Miss Hilton’s first stop will be for a touch-up over at Sunset Tan?

2 Comments

  1. Too little, too late. I hear after serving just 3 days of what was originally a 45 day, and then 23 day, she’s been released. They’ll have to wait for the next time she gets busted, to visit her.

    Guess money talks, huh?

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