Recap: The Royals, Episode 4

Now that we’ve gotten to know the royal family a bit, what do we think of them and are we ready for The Royals, Episode 4? I do admit to feeling a bit dirty after watching each episode, but it’s the kind of filth that washes off with a bit of a scrub. But I love that whenever I hear their fabulous accents, my writing seem a bit smarter. Or a bit more posh. I mean I’m writing this in my bed propped up by pillows, and lounging is exactly where this episode opens on our favorite pampered — and passed-out — princess.

Eye-opener
Ahhhh, Princess Eleanor. Recovering from a rough weekend with a refreshing IV. But that’s more of an Elvis, King of Rock-n-Roll move than one befitting a Princess of England.

Careful Eleanor, if you’re not careful, you may be like Elvis in more than one way and die atop a porcelain throne too. (Song: Ida Maria “Last Vice”)

Liam, Cyrus and Queen Helena are engaged in their countryside tour. While I picture them caravanning around in a coach bus, they’re taking a private plane. I guess I underestimated the size of Great Britain, but internet research shows it’s about the size of Oregon, which can be driven in about 9 hours. I don’t think Queen Helena is the type of gal to take a road trip if she can hop aboard a plane. Cyrus is sulking that Liam is coming on the tour, so he’s not even going to get off of the plane. Sniff, sniff. And guess who Helena has brought as her lady in waiting (or more aptly, “Lady in heat”)? Why it’s Gemma, who has miraculously recovered from her windshield facial!

TV Magic

But the point I’m making here is who owns a private plane that is large enough to have a bedroom for Liam (and I assume one for Queen Helena as well?) I can’t imagine that the U.K. would have many airports large enough to land a 747. And the shot of the plane that they show is a Falcon 900, which seats 14 and doesn’t have any bedrooms. Oh TV, I’m on to you.

Liam is totally blowing the countryside tour and has one of those “wanna get away?” moments when he asks a woman if she’s chosen a name for her baby. Unfortunately, she wasn’t pregnant, she was just plump. D’oh! Liam, if you wanna be king, learn this lesson: unless the baby if crowning, feign surprise when a woman says she’s pregnant. “Oh, you are? Congratulations! What wonderful news,” will go over quite well.

Eleanor, who has been left in London is visiting local charities, including a local nursing home, high on ecstasy. And a stoned princess is a charming princess.

Queenly Quotables
Queen Helena: “Our #1 rule, on tours like these, is to seem interested.”
Prince Liam: “Why not be interested?”
Queen Helena: “Don’t be naïve.”

When the cats are all away, Ophelia is at play. She’s giving a private tour to boy-toy Nick, and showing him many secret passages. After O sees a tabloid cover calling for Liam to marry Gemma, I wonder how long until he’s exploring her darkest tunnels?

Have I mentioned how much I love Marcus, Liam’s bodyguard? He stands patiently, often looking the other way at the prince’s playboy ways, and saves him in the knick of time, but when Gemma treats him like a footman, he lays into her reminding her that she broke Liam’s heart before and he’s not going to let her forget it.

On that day’s tour, Liam learns to connect wit the locals the best way he knows how — with a pint in his hand. The queen ups her game by actually being interested in her subjects and visits a woman with a sick cow. Helena learns that a local whiskey-maker has been using a chemical that’s poisoning the local stream and vows to help. Princess Eleanor visits a children’s hospital and tries it drunk.

Boot-y Call

Liam stumbles upon one of this beer-drinking chums who is a 5th-generation saddlemaker, but what he really want to do is make beautiful boots.

He and Liam have a poignant chat about the pressures of the family business. And how sometimes one’s dreams are sacrificed for familial tradition and obligation.

You see, Prince Liam is just like us, but with royal genes and now, with better boots.

Ophelia visits Nick’s world where everyone is beautiful and artistic-looking, there is a lot of wine and giant troughs of paella. It’s like a summery rooftop beer commercial, if the commercial was shot by Benetton. Is he a member of a cult for pretty people? Is this a sexy commune?

Eleanor is deeply affected by visiting the sick children, but before she can do a quick bump of cocaine, she is reminded that she’s visiting one of her brother’s charities, a drug rehab center.

I’m speechless.
Someone (not named Eleanor, Ophelia or Cyrus) just told off Queen Helena.
the set up: When the Queen visits the whiskey maker and tells him that in exchange for returning to his old labeling method (which didn’t result in chemical runoff), she’ll use the liquor at the next three palace events “Good for the town, good for you, win-win!” she smiles.

Here’s his retort: “Or, here’s my counter offer. You take this, turn around, leave my distillery, leave this village, get on your posh, private plane and back to the palace, where you sip a long dram of wine whiskey, from the guy who was finally bold enough to talk to her majesty like the spoiled brat she is. You see, I can no longer afford the old process, because I have to pay so damn much in taxes in order that the pretty queen can buy all her fancy undergarments. So no, I don’t believe I’ll be taking any orders from some vapid, archaic figurehead with no real power.”
Slow clap.

TV Magic, part II
Ophelia and her bizarre friend go to a pop-up dance party where people all put on headphones and dance around. Because I guess listening to music like normal people isn’t cool enough to them. And they nearly kiss, but she backs away. Oh!!! Now it makes sense! Ophelia and Nick can take off their tune-filled headphones and have meaningful conversation while everyone dances in silence behind them. You are so clever, TV people!!! What makes this scene hilarious is watching all of the extras dance aggressively, yet silently.

At the rehab center, Eleanor chats face to face with a woman who could be her double and who can smell a fellow addict from across the room. Eleanor learns that this woman was the victim of bad mothering (ooh, even the princess is finding commonalities with the plebeians!) but that night she’s back to her snorting ways. The drugs and the sexual humiliation she’s willing to endure are a mask from her reality.

Fun Fashion

Liam in Yellow Pants.
Gemma in several pairs of perfectly pressed silk dupioni pants, despite being on a moving airplane.
Hundreds of people in giant, Beats by Dre-like headphones.

Damn, that burns!
In a move of revenge that is icy like Helena’s heart, the distillery magically burned down, a result of the newly-installed labeling machine. Helena watched the news as she sips the whiskey gifted to her from the man who stood up to her. Do not mess with the queen, or you’ll get smoked.

TV Magic, part III
After he returns from his trip, Liam rushes to see Ophelia and invites her to “The big annual charity masquerade ball” that’s coming up in a few days. Because when you’re a royal, it’s no big deal to be invited to a huge and expensive social event with a only a few days notice. And of course, Ophelia will be able to find a perfect outfit in a few days, because this is TV. Because in the real world, I would be utterly clueless on where to get a good masquerade ball mask. Then again, I could have something delivered on Amazon Prime in 2-days, so Liam if you have a ticket for me, I can be ready for Wednesday night. But Liam has two tickets for Ophelia and her boyfriend– he doesn’t know that Ophelia isn’t with Nick but no problem — She can take me! (Song: Black English [formerly the group NO], “Leave the Door Wide Open.”)

Whaaa!?!
Where pere my favorite princess this week?!? I demand that they return next week. Do you hear me, E!? I want my funny princesses!!!

On another note, no sign of King Simon or Ophelia’s dad either. Have we tired of them already?