We’re back, watching VH1’s Dating Naked Episode 5.
This week, we meed Mike, a 27 year-old accountant from Long Island, New York. This former fat kid went from blubber to buff but this now hard-body is more interested what’s inside than out.
Candace is a 27 year-old tomboy from Post Falls Idaho. She likes to get dirty and wants a man who likes to get dirty too. She looks like actress Julia Stiles or MMA sexy-badass Ronda Rousey.
Candace: “I can’t wait to see Mike naked.”
Their date, a jungle ropes course sounds like so much fun, especially for a sporty-spice like Candace. Once they strip down you see that Candace has the most envied abs in the history of toned tummies.
Date #1
When I saw that their ropes course includes zip lines, I hope that Candace and Mike fare better than episode #3’s Katie and her poor, poor, piss-and-vinegar-filled face. The good thing about ziplining is it is incredibly fun and makes me jealous, the bad thing is that it’s the opposite of romantic because at all times you’re streaking away from your date. But Candace’s easy laugh is infectious and Mike is turned on my her hot body in a harness. It turns out that she’s a bartender, which makes her like the millionth person on Dating Naked who tends a bar (actually like the second or third, but when you’ve only met 26 people so far, that’s still a lot.)
After a clothed dinner, they take a topless dip. And clearly they didn’t actually eat enough, because when they kiss, it’s like they’re starving for tongue. They both retire to their separate rooms to dream about their future abdominally-gifted children.
Date #2
Mike meets Diana, who is beautiful with intense blue eyes. She’s like Yasmine Bleeth, in her mega-hot Baywatch days. But upon catching a glimpse of Mike’s nude bod, Diana starts giggling. And giggling. And giggling. And it’s the giggle of a crazy person — like a deranged clown. And then she stars talking and the crazy talk spills out along with the crazy laughing.
Candace meets J.D. from L.A. He’s hilarious and as furry as a shaved bear. J.D. is wearing a hat — which in my book means bald — not that there’s anything wrong with that. He claims he’s a stripper, which is awesome because he’s actually a firefighter and as visions of sex upon the roof of a fire truck (a-la Backdraft) dance through our dirty minds, we learn that heir date is a naked bike ride. Because sex on a bicycle would be as awesome as sex atop a fire truck, right?
Mike and Diana’s date is naked croquet. But scratch that, they’re not naked, they’re wearing white gloves, white shoes, white socks and ridiculous white hats. And since croquet has never been fun for anyone under age 80, this date is terrible. And, when will Dianna ever shut up?
Diana’s last relationship ended when her ex had a baby with a woman he’d cheated on her with. Diana is 100% coo-coo loca. I’m pretty sure I saw her on an episode of SNL with lipstick smeared all over her face. Then they have awkward tea. Dianna’s pretty sure Mike is “The one.” Mike knows she’s insane and may be a character on Orange Is The New Black.
Bearded J.D.’s personality is a lot like Candace’s, but when he starts talking, my brain turns off. And when he starts talking about “wanting to put in the work into a relationship,” Candace’s eyes glaze over and she’s ready for this date to be over. He is a good guy, but not for her.
At their quad-pool party, Diana shows up in a black fringed top and J.D. wears jeans. Jeans!! The anti-sex. Candace and Diana are really vibing and would love to be alone. While JD makes us snooze talking about Trout, Diana just wierds us out with her insane face. Mike and Candace jet from the bizarre bazar, and they head to the world’s least relaxing hammock to hump. Remember Candace, you don’t want to embarrass your family.
After Candace and Mike disappear, Diana has an epic meltdown, and her heavy black eyeliner becomes a Lady Gaga Applause album cover. She proves that she is crazy-pants Lorna Morello from OITNB!
Sweet J.D. tries to comfort her but even he is creeped out by the sad clown. And despite their make-out motives, Mike and Candace sleep in their own rooms, again.
Date #3
Mike meets Amber. Who looks like a model and lives in LA. In her interview, she has the most beautiful hair. Why would she waste that gorgeous hair with a flat iron?!?
Candace’s third date is with Marcus, a “well-hung” grad student. Their date is flying kites, because suddenly they’re 7-years-old.
Amber gives Mike a romantic (and edible massage). While giving Mike the rub-down, she reveals that she was a lesbian for 4 years. We never get to see Amber get a massage, so Mike’s not a giver.
Over at Charley Brown’s kite factory, they make sad, sad kites out of a plastic table cloth, some sticks and zip ties. Young Marcus doesn’t seem ready for a serious relationship, but he is fun
The massage lodge is infested with something. The entire time that Amber and Mike talk, post-massage, there is some kind of crazy hissing sounds. Maybe Diana is lurking in a bush somewhere. Amber also reveals that she goes on a loooooooot of dates.
Marcus and Candace decide to dance naked in the water. It’s fun and spontaneous, and Marcus is not dope, his giant man-snake wants to be close to her lady bits. It’s also adorable and Candace is smitten.
That night, both Mike and Candace are torn, they had fun with each other, but their third dates, Amber and Marcus were intriguing.
While all three guys drool over Candace, and Diana dishes the drama with Amber and tells her about her drunk meltdown the night before. Amber is turned off, and they gang up on Mike while Candace slips away hoping for Mike to follow. Maybe Amber is into Diana because she defends the coo-coo’s actions. While Mike is occupied with poolside lady drama, Marcus swoops in for alone time with Candace. Candace is surprised to see Marcus in her room instead of Mike, but she seizes the moment, and his face, and they make out. Mike goes to sleep alone, again. Sorry buddy, you snooze, you lose.
The next morning, at the ceremony, Mike obviously had the least connection with Diana. But, I think Mike is drunk, because he thinks LA-based Amber lives closer to him on Long Island than Idaho-based Candace. He may be good with math, but his geography skills suck. But in the end, he chooses Candace, hoping to make the distance work.
Candace had a great time with J.D., but she didn’t have chemistry with him. Once rejected, J.D. keeps it classy, saying, “you’re going to make some guy very happy.” And around L.A. women suddenly find themselves in need of a fire fighter with a long hose. After great dates and strong connections with Marcus and Mike, Candace is still torn. But in the shock of the century, she picks Marcus. what?!!? Diana laughs like a maniac at Mike’s rejection.
Mike is as stunned as I am, but says:
“I’m disappointed, but I know where you’re coming from and I can’t hate on you for that. We’re here for the same reasons — we all are— so if anything, I’m happy that you found someone, and hopefully I can find someone too.”
Damn, if that’s not the special heart-touching moment from a rom-com, I don’t know what is! Mike is getting laid as we speak.
Is anyone else shocked that Candace picked Marcus? Did Marcus have a tiny bit of toilet paper in his buns during the Choosing ceremony? Is Amanda totally gorgeous and Dianna loony? I can’t wait until next week.
Want more Dating Naked?
Episode 1: Joe and Wee Wee
Episode 2: Steven And Taryn
Episode 3: Keegan and Diane
Episode 4: Chuck and Camille
Episode 5: Mike and Candace
Interview with Dating Naked Host Amy Paffrath
Dating Naked Wedding Special
Images © VH1
Candace is absolutley gorgeous. Is there any way We can get a photo of her?
What is Marcus last name and hes from and lived at as of today.
Dating Naked: Episode 5
I was very happy to see that Candice gave Marcus the opportunity to continue a second date. I believe the two of them would have a better relationship because she’s very down to earth and not in a power driven profession at the moment; unlike Mike. He (Mike) probably has a stereotypical idea for a serious relationship that probably doesn’t include a bar-tender as a mate. As a result, Marcus is a young grad-student with much potential, and Candice stated she is willing to teach. I think if distance isn’t a problem they would be great together. Marcus has charisma.
Come on….the first words out of her mouth, “he has a really nice package” and the last words were, “he made me feel like a woman”. He probably rocked her world all night. She looked like she was walking funny. With all that going on, and Mike’s room being next door to Candace’s, I would have drank myself to sleep too. Dang….