After the announcement that the pairings on Dating Naked have resulted in an upcoming wedding (brought to you by the love-makers at VH1), we have to actually start taking naked dating seriously as a legitimate relationship catalyst. And, since VH1 isn’t revealing the names of the happy lovebirds, we have to look at every potential date as the date where Mr. Right met His Mrs. Right, and vice versa.
Will tonight’s dates result in “forever love?” or just love for a minute. Let’s find out.
Chuck
From Miami, FL. Age 33.
He sells ladies’ swimwear. So he knows exactly what ladies look like naked. And I’m pretty sure selling swimwear is a ploy to meet nearly naked women. Dating Naked takes Chuck’s ploy one-step further. So bravo, VH1, you’ve out-Chucked, Chuck.
Camille
From Las Vegas, NV. Age 25.
Waitress and Cocktail server. I’ll hide my shock on this one, because I was totally getting a corporate executive vibe from her. Her and her many, many tattoos.
Her ex-boyfriend cheated on her for the entirety of their 1 ½ year relationship so obviously Camille is a questionable judge of character and she hasn’t learned to check the call and text history of men’s cellphones.
Date #1
Camille is as awkward as can be naked, like a very tatted up version of Taylor Swift. So endearing.
Their date is sailing and they get into the swing of things by having fun on a rope where Chuck treats our eyes with some acrobatic flips. Then, they re-enact Titanic, but not the part where everybody drowns, the cheesy part. It’s fun and dorky and who doesn’t love to laugh at the absurdity of life?
That night, they swim naked laps in the pool and when they get chilly, they take a naked shower together, but that water is even more frigid than the pool. Chuck and Camille make out a little, and while Chucky thinks he’s getting lucky, Camille isn’t feeling it and heads off to bed, she’s looking for someone a little more edgy. A shunned Charley Brown stands there as shocked as if someone pulled the football out from under him.
Date #2
Kristen 42, Beverly Hills, CA
Chuck’s reaction to seeing his second date: “Wow, Her boobs were like wow!”
Her bosom isn’t the only thing plastic about her. Girlfriend’s eyebrows were pulled back almost to her hairline. Especially her right one. And her expression was perpetually surprised. Their date will be archery so be careful that you don’t take an arrow to a funbag.
Camille’s second date also has an immaculate body that looks like it came courtesy of Mattel. But unlike plastic Ken, Robert from Florida’s body is anatomically correct. And according to Camille, “His penis looks like a baby’s arm holding an apple.” Giggle, giggle. The first part of their date is playing pool. And it’s as full of bending over, Penis-touching-you-from-behind innuendo as you can imagine.
Elsewhere on the island, Katniss EverDon’t and The Swimsuit King shoot arrows at a watermelon. Why a watermelon? What have they got against watermelon? And if slices of watermelon end up in a future date, I’d pass…Who knows if they’re reusing arrows that landed in piles of Monkey poop.
Over on Camille and Robert’s date, the second part of their fun is cigar rolling, which is totally up Camille’s alley. Rob rolls a fat, tight one and Camille pops it right into her mouth. Eew. Smoking is gross. I can’t imagine that Rob (or Bob?) the brunette Adonis has ever put anything as unhealthy as a cigar in his mouth. Then again, his body is so amazing, that my husband is convinced that Robert the 22-year-old hottie works in porn, so maybe he has put things in his mouth.
Chuck and Kristin’s second half of their date is wine tasting. And luckily for Chuck, Kristin is a waitress and sommelier (wine expert). Kristin teaches Chuck how to drink and appreciate a fine wine. Kristin, the fine wine that she is, also tells Chuck how awesome love is, but also how painful it can be. Chuck says “I’m feeling love-drunk on Kristen.” I think he’s just actually drunk. Kristin also reveals that she’s into kinky sex and when she describes sex that’s straight out of 50 Shades of Gray, Chuck starts looking for a red room of pain.
At the Jungle Villa, Chuck shows up naked which weirds out Camille and Robert. Camille isn’t sure how she feels about dating a younger man. But since the air conditioning in Robert’s room is broken, she kindly invites him to bunk with her.
Chuck and Kristin kiss a little but she wants to play hard to get and shuts the door in Chuck’s face. Ouch! This is becoming a trend for Chuck. He needs to up his game and make his move earlier in the night if he wants to get in on Kirstin’s kinky boots.
Date #3
Chuck’s final date is with Michelle, a raven-haired Latina beauty who has cleverly decided to have a thong tattooed on her body. The highlight of this tattoo is the flames above her lady bits, giving new meaning to the phrase “fire crotch.” Hey, isn’t Michelle also Mamacita from the VH1 show Real Chance of Love 2? I guess she’s still looking for love in all of the wrong places.
Shy Camille meets Julian, who may be Bob Marley’s son and he meets Camille with an erect penis. What was he doing before he started walking down the jungle path? He admits to sneaking a peek saying, “I took a glimpse of her body… I didn’t want to stare very long. I didn’t want to look like a perv.” Good for you Julian, don’t look like a pervert, because with a boner, you look totally normal and not yucky.
Chuck and Camille’s date is to go get food and drinks on the floating cabana that is waaaaaaaaaaaay out in the lagoon. To get there they have to make a raft. The inner kid in me wants to help building a raft to get to the floating island but then that would be bizarre because why would a child be on a naked date? So I’ll leave them to their naked raft-building.
Over at the yoga studio, there is narry a stitch of Lululemon clothing to be seen, so basically this is my favorite yoga class ever. Julian and Camille’s naked yoga is ridiculous because Julian keeps getting aroused! It’s so embarrassing for Michelle, especially when they do a yoga move that I call “The Airplane” but I’m sure has a much more mystic name. As Camille holds Julian above her with her straightened legs, his penis flaps in the breeze, or maybe it doesn’t really flap, because oh, wait, he’s arouse yet again.
Michelle is so bubbly. And her smile is gigantic. At one point she says, “I think you’re pulling my tail.” And I wondered, where is she hiding a tail? Under her thong tattoo?
That night at the Jungle Villa, the scene is getting crowded with 6 participants.
Michelle and Kristin see each other as the enemy and each wants the Chuck prize.
Chuck is drunk and is trying to romance Kristin’s lack of pants. They kiss like the classy girl she is, and Michelle is very upset. As he walks Kristin back to her room, where she again closes the door in his face, Michelle yells after him “Chuckers! Chuckers!” Which isn’t annoying at all. Or even the teensiest bit psychotic.
Chuck is thrilled by his love triangle. It’s like his dream come true. “Michelle is a sparkly champagne and Kristin is a sophisticated glass of wine.” I would compare Michelle to a Zima and after watching Kristin kiss, she’s really a Two Buck Chuck.
The morning of the choosing ceremony — or the sorting hat, or what are they calling this event? — Chuck is torn, he likes both Michelle and Kristin. So while we nibble our fingernails in anticipation of his choice, let’s swing over to our Shy Flower Camille and see which male member she chooses, Mr. baby arm, or the ready soldier.
Kristin picks Rob and his baby arm. And they make out like they’re in a movie. Yup, he’s a porn actor. Or a male stripper. That’s my guess.
Over to Chuck the lucky duck. He has two fun women that he’s deciding between. So what is his answer?
“I want Kristin. She’s not teasing me, he’s making me wait for something that’s going to be great.”
Michelle looks genuinely disappointed. Poor thing. Well, maybe you and your giant smile can hook up with Julian and his constant boner.
Next week, It looks like a totally crazy girl somehow slips into paradise. Can’t wait!
Want more Dating Naked?
Episode 1: Joe and Wee Wee
Episode 2: Steven And Taryn
Episode 3: Keegan and Diane
Episode 4: Chuck and Camille
Episode 5: Mike and Candace
Interview with Dating Naked Host Amy Paffrath
Dating Naked Wedding Special
Images © VH1
Howdy,Was the red wine Kristin was drinking with Chuck half empty or half full?
Chuck looks an lot like nate – the gay decorator from the Oprah Winfrey show