American Idol eliminates number 9

by Ruth Anne Boulet

The Idols greet us tonight with a group sing of Joan Jett’s I Love Rock & Roll. Oy, it’s bad. Casey then segues into My Baby Just Wrote Me a Letter. Many of the Idols don’t seem to be singing. Then bad karaoke reigns on Sweet Home Alabama. Are any of these contestants actually from Alabama? Oooh, a mashup! How Glee of them! It’s a screamy mess with everyone all over the stage. They even all have to run together like a ghostly border collie wants them to get together for a final “dance with ME! (point up!)”

This week’s Ford commercial is all about stealing an iPod-sized piece of metal. Huh?

Russell Brand apparently is a stage presence mentor. Did you like him Bex? Does anyone believe that Jacob actually wanted to know how to be sexy on stage? Nope, I don’t either. Russell decides to play Idol judge. It’s all manic & Russell Brand-y. Pia thinks he had really great advice. Quit talking like a pageant queen Pia.

Dim the lights. Thank the good Lord. Lauren, Casey & Stefano are called up. One of them is in the bottom three. Lauren is safe. Casey is safe. Stefano is sent to the silver stools of doom.

Before being put out of our misery, we get “treated” to The Stare known as Constantine Maroulis singing Unchained Melody. There’s a lot of unnecessary drumming. I’m not sure if The Stare wanted to “Make it his own” by adding a “tribal” feel to it, but it’s weird & out of place. Kathy likes it though. We’re just like Randy & J Lo. I’m not saying who is whom. Constantine is rocking even more Yanni-Kenny G hybrid hair these days. Some of it is on his chest. He pays homage to the Steven Tyler with a bandanna on his mic stand.

Gwen Stefani says “Who am I to tell these girls how to dress?” You’re right Gwen? Who are you to torture these poor girls with the most unflattering clothing ever? Pia thought a tank top & black pants was going “too far.” Wow, Pia. And the cow jumpsuit isn’t too far? Gwen would totally wear the checked diapers. That’s great. I don’t care if any of these things are fashionable. They were all hideous. If you like hideous, check out Lori’s fashion breakdown so you can buy the ugly too!

Dim the lights! Paul, Scotty & Pia are the next on Jenny’s Block. Scotty is safe. Duh. He’s got the side arm stance of gold apparently. Paul is safe and Pia is in the bottom 3. There was some dead air time for a bit there.

The Idols get a lesson on how to deal with the “media” aka TMZ. Does anyone really think Jacob wants to know if the girl in the TMZ office is single? Yep, I don’t either.

Dim the lights! James, Haley & Jacob are up as the last group of three. Jennifer loved Jacob’s message. The message of if I don’t move on in the competition it’s your fault America? James is safe. Haley is safe. Jacob’s the one in the bottom 3. Randy is SHOCKED! Please? Really?

Now Bex is happy. Iggy Pop is in the house and making obscene gestures! Happy Family Hour America! He’s a real wild child. I wish he showed is lust for life instead. There’s a lot of the song we actually don’t hear. Does anyone know what he said ’cause I’m not finding any official naughty lyrics. He ends the song near J Lo & I think she’s creeped out. Kathy thinks he’s been visiting John Boehner’s tanning booth.

Dim the lights! Jacob is tortured by the Seacrest fake before being sent to safety. The person who leaves us tonight after the nationwide vote is Pia.

Holy crap. Pia?

I mean, Pia is a singing robot, but she really could’ve won this thing. I can’t believe Pia is going before any of the guys.  Can a woman ever progress in Idol again? Seriously? Which one of the women will be leaving next week?

4 Comments

  1. For the record, I thought Constantine’s vocals were a complete mess. (Random rock screams in Unchained Melody? Come on man!) But I did like the background drums & the rest of the musical arrangement–made it less moldy-oldie for me (and I generally like oldies).

    And Honey, you can be J-Lo. It’s a’ight, Dawg. 🙂

    • Awww, you’re so sweet baby. *SNIFF* America! *SNIFF* How could you? *SOB* Aaaannnnndd scene!

      You may be right about the drums, but I was too distracted by The Constantine Stare.

  2. I got home in time to see Pia get booted. Well, there goes my pool money. I was gonna just dump it from my DVR… I am so glad I read your review first. I can whizz past the one who makes me itch to see my hero Iggy. I LOVE that man! Thank you for your great recap, friend.

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