Raising Asia recap Episode 3: Oh, Mother(s)!

I’m just going to put this out there, fellow Raising Asia curious (it’s far, far too soon to call myself a fan). The real star of this thing is Bella Blu Ray. I would like Bella Blu Ray on Blu Ray and DVD, just so I can repeatedly watch her freak out with happiness about her dad or say “Asia can sing this much” while making a dime-size circle with her hand and just skip the part where everyone else is cranky with each other.

But we start out this episode with everyone feeling generous toward each other. Announcing that his wife has been too stressed out to eat, Papa Ray decides to make Kristie breakfast and even though she floats in in full make-up and a flowery robe and announces that he burnt the toast, she still appears grateful for the effort.

Or it could be that she’s pleased that he’ll be leaving for a few days in Vegas, thereby freeing her of having to listen to him announce how much he wants to be part of Asia’s career. Even though that means she will have to wrangle both Asia and Bella by her lonesome. Or not. Asia opines that they should call in Nana to run some interference.

Since they don’t have any major performances coming up, Kristie agrees that this is a good idea — not because it means they can all make a nice family trip to the park, which is what her girls want. It means that Nana can hang with Bella while Kristie gets Asia back on track with her homework and her training.

Cue some cuteness from Bella Blu, who we first see riding her scooter pell-mell down the sidewalk without a helmet.

“Asia can’t do stuff with me because she’s always dancing,” the littlest Ray whispers in an aside.

Sure enough, we see Asia dancing away in the home studio, then peering out the window at her daredevil sister and informing us that Bella has an easy life.

Kristie takes a little me time and meets up with her sister Gina for lunch. Privately, Gina tells us that she calls Kristie “The Nazi Dance Mom.” To The Nazi Dance Mom she gets teary-eyed and says she worries Kristie spreads herself too thin and that she needs to let Sean take over for a while.

Kristie looks annoyed and says she has no idea where “the emotional gene” comes from.

Gina soldiers on. “You and Asia are constantly yelling and Bella and Sean don’t even want to be there!” she howls.

So what are we going to do about that?
We’re going to call Mom.
Which is a) probably where Gina gets her emotional gene from and b) not what I would suggest grown women do to try to solve a problem. Especially because of a).

When we come back from commercial, Kristie is back home and Asia and Bella have a surprise for her.

Rocking from side to side and stomping their little bare feet, they begin to sing. What would I do? What would I doooooooo?

Their mothers gazes on this performance like they both just threw up Cheerios on the kitchen floor. “Am I supposed to hear that song right now?” she admonishes.

At first I think it’s a song with no-no lyrics, but maybe it’s a little something we’re working on with Billy, because an assistant — or somebody — in a red shirt, ombre ponytail and fanny pack gets admonished that Asia doe not do music unless she’s with Billy or Kristie’s self. Even music with a little stampy dance she does with her baby sister.

Oh. Whatever song it is, it’s copyrighted and they don’t have the rights to it, so it can’t be filmed. You didn’t see that, people. None of us saw that. And this is getting exhausting, so let’s call in Nana. Then let’s go sing with Billy.

“Ma ma ma ma MA ma ma ma maaaaaa!”
Asia’s too busy looking in the mirror to focus properly on her ma-mas.

Well, that’s because, “Mirror mirror on the wall. Who’s the cutest of them all?” Right here:

Who’s the most annoyed? Right here.

Turns out Most Annoyed has written a song for Asia and wants her to perform it for Kristi and Sean by the end of the week, so she needs to get serious about her time here.

Then Billy adds that there’s no doubt in his mind that she’s an exceptional, extraordinary talent but still.  They need strike now, while the iron … and the buzz … and the tail end of the hey-day of dance-based reality shows … is hot.

After our singing lesson, we’re off to Inspire Dance of Corona to meet Molly the trainer. Dance dance dance every day, chants Asia. Sing sing sing every day. Some is just too B-U-S-Y. Everyday.

Stretching isn’t going smoothly and Molly the trainer says so. Kristie — who is dressed like she’s going to dinner, not to dance class — says this why Asia needs to do more stretching at home. She’s too B-U-S-Y, R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R? You’re just making it hurt more.

Back home again, it’s time to do the school work. Looks like Asia is home-schooled and Kristie is her teacher. Asia isn’t sure about this situation, because sometimes she wonders “Am I smarter than her?” Sometimes I wonder if Asia is going to survive her mother seeing that on TV.

Kristie does appear to know what 8×6 is though, so it’s Kristie for the win today.

Says Asia in an aside: “My phone has a calculator, Mom. I don’t need math.”
You don’t need a phone, either, kid.

To her mother’s face when she asks why she is suddenly having so much trouble with her multiplication: “Well first of all, you’re talking.” And second of all she can count on her fingers. And she is perfectly willing to do that on the test, since there are no peers to totally pick on her for doing it and no teacher to wonder aloud why a third-grader is still counting on her fingers.

Asia caps off her little performance by doing an exaggerated fake yawn. Kristie admits that she and Asia will not work as student and teacher. Nana Vicki arrives to save the day.

A nervous-looking Nana says that Kristie never does fun things and that she has tunnel vision when it comes to Asia’s career. She needs to chill out and get some sleep.

“I’ll sleep when I’m in the grave,” says her daughter and gives her one of these.

Time to go to hip-hop lessons, where Erik is the hip-hop coach. Erik is Erik Saradpon, another veteran of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. You’ve given up a lot to be this amazing 6-year-old, this amazing 7-year-old, this amazing 8-year-old, he tells his charge, but what are you going to do when you turn 9 and everyone is this amazing.

Asia — who is pretty amazing at the moves Erik gives her — says she’ll take it to heart, because if you’re only amazing at 8, no one will remember you. Ain’t it the truth, kid. Ain’t it the truth.

Back home from Vegas — cue Bella’s totally adorable freak out — Shawn tells Kristie that Billy finally emailed him the “contract” — which is not an actual, binding, legal document. Kristie says whatever … it’s only designed to protect Asia, not Billy.

Yep. You need Shawn, dear. Or Asia does. “I’m new to this, but I’m going to work my way in,” Shawn says diplomatically.

Time for the family to hear the song Billy wrote for Asia. He steers her along as she warbles to show her how to work a stage and she does a serviceable job. She can certainly sing as well, if not better, than Mack Z. Yes, readers, I know. Mackenzie is better on the YouTube than she was on the show. I know.

Let’s ask Bella for her opinion.

“I don’t know if Asia’s a good singer,” she peeps. Pressed for details, she says,  “Asia can sing this much” and holds up her teensy little clenched fist.

Billy admits that writing star-making songs for an 8-year-old is no easy deal, since they can’t sing about love or anything like that.

Shawn gamely tries to give his girl advice on making eye contact when you’re nervous and stuff like that, but Asia says that as long as Shawn keeps giving home performances of Michael Jackson’s catalog, she will adhere to her assessment that he has no clue about being a singer.

Oh, child.

With Shawn home to mind the children, Kristie, Vicki and Gina head off for lunch at Rosine’s which Vicki has always to try. This time it’s Vicki’s turn to try to talk some sense — or downtime — into Kristie. She quickly tears up, too, talking about the strain she sees in Kristie’s family. Kristie is unmoved. You used to get moved, Gina and Vicki tell her. If they didn’t know her, they would think she was an ice-queen and that’s a fact.

“I’m not an ice queen,” Kristie tells us. “I’m just not emotional. AHAHAHAHAHA!”
She just stares at her sister and mother, glass of wine in hand.

Gina offers to take the kids so Kristie and Shawn can get away for some together time and the Not Emotional Queen says she’s done with these foolish women and walks out. Er, Kristie. I think Vicky is staying at your house. Is she supposed to call a cab? Are you sending someone for her? Does Mom live at Rosine’s now?”

In any case, it’s Gina for the last lunchtime word: “Mom, you raised a bitch.”

“At the end of the day, I’m raising Asia,” says Kristie, “and no one can change that.”

Next week, it’s Anthony v. Kristie over the usefulness of Billy.