Duck Dynasty airs at 10pm Wednesdays on A&E.
You know it’s going to be a good episode of Duck Dynasty when the first line is, “Who has the longest beard?” Cut to the warehouse gang pulling on their facial hair and proceeding to boast about, ahem, length. Jase admits that Martin’s might actually be the longest, but he’s only got about 10 hairs coming out. Martin opens up a can of worms, telling Jase to take it easy on the beard jokes, because that’s worse than a yo momma joke. Cut to Si letting loose to the camera with all sorts of “yo beard” jokes.
“Your beard is so fat not even Dora can explore it.” (I may have actually LOL’ed after that one.)
“Your beard is so ugly, when it tried to take a bath the water jumped right out.” (Still pretty good.)
Your beard is so stupid, it took it two hours to watch 60 Minutes.” (This is a standard yo momma joke that Si just butchers. It would actually make your beard slow, not stupid, but we’ll let it go.)
“Your beard’s so hairy, you look like Chewbacca.” (That’s not even a joke, is it? But Si does throw in a passable Wookiee noise afterward, so it might’ve been worth it.)
“Your beard’s so dumb, it sits on the TV and watches the couch.” (Si is very pleased with himself after that one, with good reason.)
Of course, Willie walks in on the beard-measuring contest, and after pretty much winning it without even knowing what’s going on, announces he’s going out of town for the day. He tasks Jase with one important job, signing for a package at 4 o’clock. Simple, right?
Phil and Kay are sitting around when Jase’s son Reed stops by with a buddy of his. Phil sees this as a great opportunity for a little free labor, playing on the Southern tradition of the youth respecting their elders. But of course all these young men want to do is go watch film of the previous night’s football game they played in. Phil has little sympathy, and brings up how he was QB at Louisiana Tech, starting ahead of one Terry Bradshaw. And part of the reason was because he was tying hoop nets, the very job he’s asking these young men to do. They’re left pretty flummoxed, and the friend accurately assesses that they’ve just been “Mr. Miyagi-ed.” (I really hope he’s referring to Pat Morita’s version, and not Jackie Chan’s.) Later, he convinces them to carry a boat for him barefoot because it will toughen up their “tender women’s feet.” Which somehow is a hindrance to football glory.
Willie’s absence — surprise surprise — does not lead to a full day’s work. Instead, the gang hops in the truck to go put some brush on their favorite duck blind. While they’re out there, though, a discussion about that most redneck of subjects — pro wrestling — ensues. Jase reveals that one of the most emotional moments watching television for him was when King Kong Bundy beat Hacksaw Jim Duggan. (Mine was when the Hart Foundation beat the British Bulldogs, but I feel ya, Jase!) They have fun talking about their favorite wrestlers until Si makes everybody uncomfortable by starting to talk about Catwoman. That’s just the beginning of Si’s feline fixation, though, as he claims to have seen a black panther roaming the woods. It’s something he’s brought up now and again over the years, and the cat keeps getting bigger each time.
Imaginary black panthers are the least of their problems, though, as they soon discover they’ve locked themselves out of Jase’s trucks. Then the horn starts blaring. But the guys take off walking, in a desperate attempt to make it back to the warehouse by 4 for the package signing. Well, it doesn’t seem quite so desperate as they take time to test Jase’s theory that whenever any object gets far enough away it looks black. Black enough that eccentric old guys might mistake them for panthers. Yeah, not much is solved, but we do get a treat of a shirtless Godwin crawling around on the ground approximating the movements of a panther.
But, all is well, as Jase does get back to the warehouse in the nick of time to sign for the ever-important package … which turns out to be a Willie bobblehead. Jase and Jep are not pleased, to say the least, and while Jase makes a crack about the doll being way too skinny, Jep throws it up against the wall. Oops, looks like it got damaged during shipping.
Martin: “What my beard lacks in thickness, it makes up for in length.”
Miss Kay: “What is a bevel?”
Jase: “Willie is gone.” Si: “Not only that, he ain’t here!”
Si: “Victoria’s got secrets. So do I.”
SI: “This ain’t no chupacabra. This ain’t no Bigfoot. It definitely ain’t no Sasquatch. Hey look here, I’ve seen all them before. This is something totally different.”
Jase: “Nobody’s going to care about my excuses, which are really good.”
Best Segment Title
“Let’s Go Hunting, Deer”
We open on lunchtime at the warehouse, and while Si is mourning the soggy state of his bologna sandwich, Jep is having to fight off his older brothers and uncle who are horning in on his leftovers. Willie says as the baby of the family, Jep never learned how to share, but unless he gets the hang of it real quick, there could be an atomic wedgie coming his way. They’re very curious about the deer steak Jep is eating, especially when he tells them he didn’t kill the deer, his wife Jessica did. With her bow and arrow. He says this with pride, as it obviously means his lady is the toughest of all of the Robertson wives.
Willie and Jase take it as a personal challenge to prove their wives’ country cred and cajole them into going hunting with them. Well, actually, it’s a fierce negotiation in which Korie and Missy agree to go if their husbands let them pick the movie they all watch next time. That of course means a chick flick, which Jase whines to the confessional about. But the deal is done. The foursome head to the woods and predictably, the womenfolk immediately start complaining about bugs, muds and other icky stuff, totally bumming out the dudes. It’s kinda worth it, though, when after discovering that the ladies are actually wearing perfume (Wouldn’t they have noticed that in the truck on the ride over?), Jase and Willie tell them they need to smear mud on their bodies to hide the scent. Jase is more than a little into seeing his citified wife get all dirty, but Korie pre-empts Willie by spraying herself with a bottle of what she assumes is … I don’t know what she thought it was, really. Turns out it was doe urine.
So, pee scent and all, Jase is feeling a little amorous, but Missy isn’t feeling it. In fact, they’re all sitting in the blind and Korie and Missy are bored out of their minds, thinking how much better it would be if they had pillows lining the seats. Ooh, or maybe a hammock and a book. Thankfully a deer shows up somewhere off in the distance and the guys can get away for a bit. They leave the ladies alone, but they soon take off on their own and head back to the truck where they wait three hours for their husbands to show up. Yeah, probably not going to see that group go hunting again.
To rub salt in the wound, Jep reveals back at the house that his wife didn’t kill the deer after all. C’mon, you had to see that coming.
At Phil and Kay’s place, the search is on for the blueprint for Phil’s original duck call so Willie can hang it in the office. Trouble is, the place is a bit of a mess. Forty years of stuff to go through. Si wonders what they’ll find. Maybe Jimmy Hoffa! The search takes them through the Robertson property’s six sheds, including the oldest one where Phil did his earliest duck-call work. So the memories come flooding back, and we get a nice reminder of the actual work that has gone into the Robertson empire. Eventually the blueprints are found, bringing a smile to Phil’s face, not something we’re used to seeing.
Jase: “You realize that’s a V-neck shirt you have on?”
Si: “Domo origato, Mr. Avocado Roll?”
Willie: “If I fart at church, Korie smacks me.”
Jase: “I’ve never been able to grab the rear end of my hunting partner before.”
Miss Kay: “Sometimes that hoarding pays off.”
Si: “I can sell it on Greg’s List.”
Best Segment Title
Photo: © 2011 Credit: Art Streiber