This week on Dance Moms, Cathy, Abby and Jill are all cellmates in a New Jersey minimum-security women’s prison after the “sprinkle sprinkle whack the star” brawl back in Voorhees. Nah, they’re not. But it would have made for a great episode, isn’t that right, Dance Moms faithful? Beyond Scared Straight: Voorhees.
Actually it’s just another day at the studio, where Christi is still missing and the other mothers are discussing it. They don’t get to discuss for too long, because look who’s marching back to war.
On the lobby side of the dressing room door, this happens.
Someone has mastered the silent treatment.
On the other side of the dressing room door, this happens.
That’s Chloe under there. Learn from the children, people.
Christi says that since Abby won’t speak with her, Christi will speak at her. She takes out a big bag of crow and starts munchin’ — apologizes for her behavior and says she apologized to the competition, as well. Then she says that Abby should not hold her own acting up against Chloe, and Abby breaks her silence long enough to snort. Christi pulls the mama card and says she’d have thought Abby’s would have taught her better than to act like that, but she gets no reaction. She throws in the towel and moves onward.
In the dressing room, Kelly stays silent and looks away from her wayward friend, but the other mothers say maybe it’s better that Abby’s not talking to her, all things considered. Out front, Abby may not be talking to her, but she is perfectly happy to talk about her. Says Christi has big <bleeeeps!> like a man, walking back in here and expecting everything to be OK. How I wish she would’ve said that to directly Christi’s face, just for the “what would you know about it” jokes that might ensue.
Abby starts out by calling Cathy an embarrassment to her vocation, but Holly thinks she’s just mad about being beat. Abby reminds the dancers that they shall remain helpless victims of her irritation at their mothers’ behavior, and that suspension is the last frontier before getting expelled. Ahem, Chloe.
Nia is bottom of the bottom. Then Paige. Then Kendall.
Row two starts with Big Mac. Abby says she’s no longer the weak link of the group dance.
Then comes Brooke. Oh, look how cute Brooke’s new photo is! She looks all grown up! And Abby’s even happy with her.
Top of the top is Maddie. All’s right with the world.
Time for our annual warm-weather getaway! We’re going to in10sity dance in Fort Lauderdale. To teach a master class and answer some questions from the looks of it. Dig, dig. Google, Google. OK, it’s actually this. I think.
Whatever it is we’re doing, the group dance will be contemporary and called Money is the Root of All Evil. Insert your own Abby/Monstrosity of Evil joke here. Or Christi’s. Whichever’s better. Abby says the costumes will be green and covered in the root of all evil, for real. Holly says that’s going to get spendy. Hopefully we can attach the bills with something easily removed. Or use the dresses as legal tender.
Brooke and Maddie get solos. Only Maddie looks excited about that.
Abby tells the girls that to get into the proper frame of mind for the group dance, they need to think of The Blues and being in a speakeasy or a nightclub. Well, OK! Speakeasies went the way of the world when Prohibition did. The girls are years away from getting into nightclubs. And I honestly doubt any of them have B.B. King cued up on their iPods. So hopefully they can wing it.
Up in the mom loft, the ladies lament this situation a little bit and then Christi admits she’s feeling like an outsider even though she’s only been gone a week. Holly gives her a brief and breezy recap. Kelly doesn’t let her off so easy. Why is Christi ignoring her, she wants to know. Christi says she never got Kelly’s texts. Kelly says well why didn’t you call me, then? Christi sighs and wanders off theatrically.
Someone’s creating drama.
Thirty seconds later she wanders right back and starts yelling at Kelly again. When Kelly was going through stuff, she called. And staged a walkout. And everything like that. Kelly says she did too call, several times, in fact — and she didn’t leave a message because she never leaves a message, so why start now?
Meanwhile, Nia has decided that she’s going to bite the bullet and ask Abby if she and Paige can do their duet this week, since their moms blew it for them last week and we are down one entry. Sounds reasonable to me. Sounds reasonable to Paige, too. Especially if Nia’s the one putting her neck on the line.
Next day, Christi wants to know why she’s only been gone a week and now that she’s back, it’s like she went through the way-back machine. Maddie is back at the top of pyramid and dancing solos. Melissa’s all sunshine and rainbows. Life goes on. WHY DID THE WORLD NOT END WITH HER ABSENCE, PEOPLE?! WHY?!
And look what else the way-back machine coughed up!
The Shirt Of Many Words from Season 1! Maybe because Abby seems to be losing some of hers. Like Chloe’s name, for example. Chloe shall now be known as “Girl In Front.” “Girl” for short.
Abby says she’s doing this because she wants to teach Chloe that you can’t take anything for granted. I think it’s because she started this dance school in middle school and has never left either one. She says if Chloe wants her to remember her name, she has to make her remember it. Write it on her forehead, Chloe. It will go nicely with her shirt.
Meantime, Melissa decides to stage an intervention with Christi and Kelly, even though everyone seemed to be getting along just fine. Down in the store — excuse me, the shoppe — which has become ground zero for mama drama these days so we can eavesdrop and window-shoppe at the same time, Melissa asks Kelly if the frost has thawed. Kelly says no. Melissa says everyone should just get over it and on with it and Kelly agrees.
Upstairs, Chloe cries to Christi about the loss of her name. Christi tells her not to give Abby the satisfaction of reacting. Amen.
Brooke’s lyrical solo is called Careless, or maybe Care Less, and a giggly Brooke says she’s pretty sure Abby gave to her because she knows Brooke couldn’t Care Less about dance. High five, funny lady! In an increasingly rare instance of maturity and wisdom, Abby tells Brooke she just doesn’t want the girl to settle for anything less than excellence in whatever she does. Then she calls her an old lady. So close, Abby. So close.
Nia finally takes her shot at getting Abby to enter the duet. Abby gives her props for the independent move. She says she’ll think about it. It’s not a no, kid! You’re halfway there!
Christi and Melissa meet for drinkies at Mohan’s Restaurant and Lounge. Way to double agent, Mrs. Gisoni! Even though it’s been Christi stirring up the drama, she still insists that it’s Kelly who’s the angry and petulant one. Melissa doesn’t argue. Christi trods the no-text issue and Melissa says it’s like they’ve broken up or something. Even though I am all for a beer with a bud however it can happen, can we just get a real fast peek at Christi’s and Kelly’s call logs and put this whole thing to bed now?
Oh look. Holding hands.
The name of Maddie’s solo is You Don’t Know Me. Abby wants to know if Maddie thinks the judges know who she really is. Hmmm. I wonder. So does Maddie, who offers up one of these.
Abby says they might think they know who she is, but they don’t know. And she’s going to show them. No more angelic little butterfly in blue dresses. Maddie’s gettin’ heavy, people.
Abby agrees to run Paige and Nia’s duet and says that since they’ve had two weeks to learn it, it should be twice as good as everyone else’s dances. She tells them that even though the routine is peppy and fun, they have to prove that they are every bit the dancers that Maddie is. Then she summons their mothers. She tells everyone that the duet is a go — whether it remains that way is entirely up to Holly and Kelly. One peep outta youse and the duet gets it, see? This time, for good. Now run along.
Upstairs, Jill decides to keep that scab picked off of the wound in Kelly and Christi’s friendship, and Christi is only too happy to oblige her. Christi finally just admits it — she’s totally twerped that life went on without her and Chloe. She wanted a sit-in. She wanted a mall dance of defiance. She wanted a whole new team of stringers replacing their kids. See that last one there is your trouble, toots. Even though none of this is real, did we really have time to fly a bunch of scabs back in? Just, no.
And Christi’s got bigger fish to fry, anyway. Because Chloe’s got another new name: Blondie. Abby says Christi’s new name should start with a B, too. And end with an itch.
And then we’re in Florida, at the Coral Springs Center for the Arts. Not surprisingly, we don’t see another bus or dancer as we file into the joint, but Melissa reminds us anyway that in10sity is an apropos competition for them to attend, because everything that’s going on at the ALDC is, you know, pretty in10se.
Abby tells the dancers that dance is part of the culture down here in Florida and so they have to measure up. Meanwhile, Little Miss Duplicity is telling Kelly that Christi never returns her calls either, and she doesn’t think Kelly did anything wrong. The breakup is clearly Christi’s fault.
Abby tells Maddie that other dancers might have her technique, but no one else has her face. Abby tells Paige that fun doesn’t mean goofy. Kelly dangerously tests Abby’s warning about behaving herself. Then she tells Christi that she’ll deal with her nonsense after the girls are done dancing.
Maddie’s solo isn’t too far out of the realm of Maddie solos, but it is more mature and she dances it beautifully.
Brooke’s is lovely, too. She may not care less, but she is still a stunningly effortless dancer.
The Wild Child and The Wallflower are next. How do you not love something that looks like this? How?
Even Abby loves it. In fact, she’s actually being nice to everybody backstage. She pulls Nia aside to ask her if she understands why Miss Abby had to take away the duet last week to teach her mother a lesson. Even though there really is no understanding that, Nia just goes ahead and nods along. Holly, spotting a sunshiny moment, comes over to admire Abby for issuing an apology. Abby says it was not either an apology and makes a break for it, mumbling something about bent legs.
In preparation for the group dance, Abby is panhandling the mothers for a few extra dollars to wedge into the costumes. Oh come on now, Mrs. Drop Your Hat And Lose Your Life! Unless we’re gluing these suckers down, they are sure to flutter to the stage and send somebody sliding on their mini moneymakers. There’s no way you would stand for that!
In any case, Money Is The Root of all Evil is anything but evil. It’s sophisticated and appropriately Florida sultry, and the girls make the most of it..
Awards time begins with a little group Gangnam Style.
Oh Lord, and a little Vertes Style, too. Heeeeeyyyyyy, sexy layyyy-dayyyy!
Ten second break while I shake off a giggle fit. Please tell me that is Christi taking video on her cell phone to the right. Please say it is.
The duet gets fourth place. Abby says that’s perfectly fine.
Brooke’s solo gets fifth. Abby isn’t upset by that either.
Hey! It’s Lucas Triana! Dance Moms Miami Lucas! Lucaaaaaas! Man, I miss me some Lucas and Kimmy. And Victor and Angel.
Oh, and also Maddie wins. Group dance wins, too.
Backstage, Abby is downright jolly, congratulating everyone and tossing a few bucks to the kiddies. Then she reveals the source of her happiness: Kelly and Christi are so focused on hating each other that they’ve left her alone.
Kelly tells Christi they need to take it outside. Christi rolls her eyes. Kelly calls her on it. Christi says she is a grownup and if she wants to roll her eyes, she’s going to roll her eyes. So there. Look on the bright side, Kel. She’s not throwing water or whapping you with an outlet mall Coach bag.
Safely outside, Kelly tells Christi she called her on Friday, so knock it off with the no-calling thing. Christi says Kelly should have called back until Christi picked up. Kelly says she spent the week defending Christi and Chloe, and Christi would have known that if she had answered her damn phone. Nyah, Mllahhh!
Holly and Jill eavesdrop at the door, cracking it a bit for optimal sound.
Christi says she sat in a parking lot for Kelly, damn it! Kelly says Christi could call Melissa, but she couldn’t call Kelly and what’s up with that? Christi says Kelly should have gotten in the car and driven to her damn house if she couldn’t reach her by phone. Kelly says if Christi can’t take her calls then — and I quote — “f—k you!’
You say what?
Oh, you heard her, lady. And these two did, too.
So what say you, Dance Moms faithful? What’s the real root of all evil? Should Kelly have called Christi more than once? Should Christi have called Kelly back? Should Chloe have refused to answered to “Girl”? Sound off in the comments section below.
Next week on Dance Moms, awwwww noooo! Bye-bye Broadway Baby — and hello again, Black Patsy?
New episodes of Dance Moms air Tuesday nights at 9/8CT on Lifetime.