American Idol makes another cut down to 6

by Ruth Anne Boulet

We start this elimination extravaganza with a train wreck of a group number. Haley, Lauren, Stefano and Jacob “sing” “Hey Soul Sister.” Wow, bad. Why they didn’t have them lip synch for their lives to the Warblers singing it, I don’t know. It would’ve been more entertaining.

Lauren is fully committed to wearing denim during every performance. Haley is dressed like a bag of Skittles — coral top, green skirt and yellow shoes. Yikes!

After a Ford commercial we get “treated” to Casey, James and Scotty “singing” Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida.” They’re a bit better than the first group, but their dance moves are super cheesy. They also let the unseen backup singers do a lot of the work. Robin Antin choreographed both performances! Super! Even in the shadows I can see the evidence of her botox addiction. Jonathan did a super job with her hair, though. I wonder if he recited Hickory Dickory Doc while styling her.

Dim the lights! Casey stands. Jacob stands. Casey is safe. Jacob is sent to the silver stools of doom.

Music break — time for the Cookmeister to sing. David Cook does his new single “The Last Goodbye.” It’s very Cook-like. It’s great if you’re into that sort of thing, but I’m not in a frat so I’m just ‘meh’ about it. I’d rather hear him do “Billie Jean” again.

Why is Scotty wearing a t-shirt that says “Trojan Men” on it? I hope it’s his high school or something.

Dim the lights! Lauren, James & Stefano are brought up center stage. Stefano is in the bottom three. Lauren & James are safe.

Haley & Scotty are brought up last. One’s in, and the other is out. Scotty is safe. Haley is in the bottom three again. But then Ryan comes to get her & immediately releases her to safety. Even Jacob & Stefano look happy.

What the hell was up with the Katy Perry ET lip synch? It’s like stupid Gaga. Don’t be a Ke$ha, Katy. I thought you were more talented than her. The rapper dude is the alien? He’s just dressed like a pimp. Katy’s dressed like a bad extra from Barbarella 2011. I’m confused. I’ve had way too much time to actually think about this performance. That’s not a good thing.

Ryan plays Oprah with the bottom 2 backstage. “How do you feel, kids?” All in soft-tones, that voice that says “I don’t want to make you cry, little one, but I have to ask where the bad man touched you.” The contestants aren’t that delicate, Ryan, and that’s still a stupid question.

Steven doesn’t think anyone deserves to be in the bottom 2. That’s kind of the point of a contest, Steven. Someone’s got to go home each week. If you gave some constructive criticism, these contestants might have more skills when they come out of American Idol. This week Stefano is going home. He looks totally relieved & happy. James is upset. I’m not surprised. It was his time. Now it’s time for me to look forward to Gawker’s recap & a final tryst.

Aw, man, Carole King? Really? That’s for the brief moment of modernity, Idol… I’m heading back to the 70s now.