Gillian’s getting married, and all the Griffins except Brian are invited, and she wants Peter to give her away. Despite Brian’s insistence that he’s over Gillian, he’s still hurt by being left out, and Stewie suggests that he and Brian have dinner with Gillian and her fiancé. Turns out Derek speaks French (and orange! Mandarin. Mandolin.) and is something like Superman and Mr. Miyagi in one. Worse, Brian follows him to the bathroom and finds that he has no apparent shortcomings at all. Distraught, he gets wrecked at a bar and ends up in bed with Lauren Conrad of MTV’s The Hills.
The next morning, Brian tries to sneak away before anyone notices, but Stewie, who’s been hat shopping, spots them from across the street and gets the two of them invited to the set of The Hills (an outing for which Stewie has the perfect unisex hat!). Any dreams of anonymity Brian had are quickly crushed as Stewie leaks his affair with Lauren to the media and the whole world knows. And all the late-night hosts make cracks about it, and the Griffins laugh at him for dating such a flake.
Brian goes to visit Lauren to try and break things off, but he finds her playing the violin in a study filled with books she’s read in between bouts of biomolecular research, and is shocked that the whole ditz image is just an act to keep herself employable. So he stays with her and brings her to dinner, but is put off when she keeps correcting him and making him very aware that she’s smarter than him. He decides he can’t handle that, and calls it off, realizing later that it’s similar to what he had with Gillian, only reversed, and that he still loves Gillian. Lauren encourages him to go after her.
Meanwhile, Gillian and Peter are planning the wedding, and Peter offers to be the wedding singer so that people will be able to understand all the words to the songs—unlike when Sting sings and you can only understand the last three words.
Brian goes to a restaurant with Stewie in drag in order to make Gillian jealous, but all that happens is that Stewie runs into a lot of guys he knows “from Starbucks” who call him Desirée. So Brian does the only thing left to do: He interrupts the wedding and declares his love for Gillian, only to be rejected. Oh, and he gave Lauren worms.
• Brian’s internet dating experiences, for which his profile lists him as a Golden Retriever
• The Kix cereal gag
• The restaurant Brian and Stewie meet Gillian at is Qu’est-ce Que Pue (What Stinks)
• Bruce Jenner is an elegant, beautiful Dutch woman
• “My iPod is chocolate?”
• Brian’s Austin Powers glasses
• THE GENESIS CAVE!!!! “Can I cook, or can’t I?”