Ryan Seacrest is wondering if anyone will lose their cool tonight. God willing, someone will. Some chick who looks like Finola Hughes is in the audience. Ryan appeals to us to vote, vote, vote, just like they do in Chicago.
So tonight is Neil Diamond night. He’s very sparkly. Ryan mentions that his first number one was ‘I’m a Believer’ for The Monkees. Oh, yeah. Kristy Lee Cook is wishing she were here to “Come Into America” today. Neil has had some work done. It’s not severe, but he’s rather smooth for having as long of a career that he’s had. The contestants are doing 2 songs, which makes me grateful for the lack of filler.
Jason Castro — Forever In Blue Jeans
Jason is up first and he starts with ‘Forever In Blue Jeans.’ Sweet. It’s got the hippie vibe that he needs with his head of dreds. He only gets as high energy as Jason can get, which isn’t much. Because the contestants are doing 2 songs, those songs are short and Ryan is butting in before the judges can comment on the first song.
David Cook — I’m Alive
David Cook is up next and he gets the Ryan Stool Treatment. David turns around & asks Ryan how he prepared for Neil Diamond. Ryan mentions the ‘way back’ which is endearing to me, since I was born in the ’70s. It’s nothing exceptional. David Cook selects songs that aren’t as well known as most Neil Diamond songs. Neil likes it. David starts off with ‘I’m Alive.’ Never heard it. He Creeds or Daughtrys it up. Whatever. Snooze.
Brooke White — I’m A Believer
Brooke White will finally do a Monkees tune. I love her. She’s doing guitar on ‘I’m A Believer.’ Neil is pleasantly surprised by Brooke. She’s not very good on ‘I’m A Believer,’ which is disappointing. I’m longing for Davy Jones. Paula Abdul is up & dancing, but that doesn’t mean much. She gives a ‘whoo’ at the end, but I just wonder if she’ll apologize for it later. Kathy calls it at Hot Tranny Mess, but I’ll reserve that designation for the last song. This, however, is what she should’ve done:
David Archuleta — Sweet Caroline
Ryan pushes the iTunes versions of the songs. Whatever, I’ll stick with YouTube. I learn that David Archuleta is doing ‘Sweet Caroline’ and ‘America.’ I’m finally happy with the Neil Diamond theme. Does David Archuleta even know who Caroline Kennedy is? Seriously? I doubt it. It sounds the way all David Archuleta songs sound.
Syesha Mercado — Hello Again
Syesha’s singing ‘Hello Again’ and ‘I Thank The Lord For The Nighttime.’ Can I say that there’s not enough Monkees in this episode? I mean, come on. Syesha’s trying the slam dunk of starting singing while sitting on the stage floor. We’ll see if it works for her. She’s also barefoot.
Round One, Randy calls Archuleta the bomb. Paula liked hearing Jason’s lower register, and comments on Jason’s dress rehearsal of the second song, which no one else has heard. Simon calls David Cook above average and Brooke White a nightmare. Syesha is deemed ‘old-fashioned.’
Jason Castro — September Morn
Jason Castro starts off round 2 with ‘September Morn.’ Why isn’t he doing a Monkees tune? Seriously. Make me happy here. But he’s not going to. The song isn’t a bad one for Jason, but it’s not exciting. Jason has a tendency to not finish the lines of his song, so this uber-fast version of Neil Diamond songs isn’t helping him. Randy calls it just ok. Paula is underwhelmed. Simon thinks this isn’t the Jason we put through & even Jason will be disappointed.
David Cook — All I Really Need Is You
Second time around, I have no idea what David is singing. Not a clue. Google tells me he’s singing ‘All I Really Need Is You.’ Whatever. It sounds like every other David Cook song. Lots of yelling & Joker lips. So not impressed. Canada loves him though. Randy is a huge David Cook fan. Paula is proud of him & feels like she’s looking at the American Idol. Simon thought the first song was ok & the second song was brilliant.
Brooke White — I Am … I Said
Brooke gets to start off by commenting on Simon’s nightmare comment. She’s got a tricky lyric written on her hand just so she doesn’t have a ‘restart’ moment like she had last week. This time she’s dong ‘I Am… I Said’ and playing the piano. It’s better than her first performance, but it’s not Tori Amos. Randy comments that it’s a tough song & says nice job. Paula comments that the Idols did an ‘I’m A Believer’ video, which I had totally forgotten. Simon says this is the Brooke we like & says well done. Is that the kiss of death for Brooke?
David Archuleta — America
David Archuleta is singing ‘America.’ How craptacular is that? Seriously, it’s the most jingoistic song ever written. David A doesn’t have the chest hair to truly do justice to this song. He’s singing it like he’s in show choir, not coming to a land that will give him opportunity. Randy loves it. Paula has tourettes for him again. Simon calls it a smart choice. Somewhere Kristy Lee Cook sips her wine cooler, while Kelly Pickler sucks on an ice cube from her glass of wine and says ‘Well played, Archuleta. Well played.’
Syesha Mercado — I Thank The Lord For The Nighttime
She’s closing the show with ‘I Thank The Lord For The Nighttime.’ She does a good job, but is doing a good job enough at this point? Randy thinks she’s in the zone. Paula thinks she showed her vulnerable & her fun side. Simon thinks that Syesha demonstrated her acting skills more than her singing skills. He doesn’t think she had a really memorable second song. Could be that Simon’s just trying not to jinx the poor girl.
We’re at the point where, honestly, it doesn’t matter anymore. They probably all have record deals. The winner just gets a bigger contract. We’re getting close to find out who gets that big prize. I’m more interested in knowing why on earth one of them, especially David Cook, didn’t do ‘Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon.’ Others didn’t do enough Monkees tunes. It’s been a confusing night on American Idol. I’ll leave us with the Urge Overkill version.
Neeeerrrgggghhhhhh! I agree with you, WindUp, that it doesn’t matter anymore, but mostly because I am getting crabbier by the minute with this !@#$! season. Because I would really really super ultra like it if the show would put an immediate and permanent stop to its sudden need to take the theory that if “they can sing, they can sing anything” all the way to the nursing home.
You can’t make me hold it against any of these poor creatures for having the good grace to actually abide by the age limits producers set for the auditions and then only manage to embrace the musical stylings of Andrew Lloyd Webber, Neil “Eice Cherry” Diamond, Dolly Parton, the Beatles — all of whom are most certainly legendary artists, but none of whom could even find themselves on iTunes, much less make the top 10 downloads — with anything more than a healthy dose of perplexity (Jason Castro). Or utter depression (Brooke White). Or barely concealed alarm (I’m talking to you, there, Little Archuleta.)
And you don’t fool me, either, David Cook. I can plainly see the “Pleeeease let me make it through the contract and then do a Daughtry” agony behind what you hope looks like unflappable cool, no matter what kinda crap you’ve been forced into singing. Your homeboys are so not going, ” Really! Neil Diamond! What was he like???”
If the demographic for this sort of music would truly make the Simons a boat load of money, Taylor Hicks would not have garnered his biggest post-show headlines for having a romp in the surf with a gal who used to anchor the news here in my hometown.
Yes, the finalists should be able to sing a ballad. Yes, they should be able go a little bit country, or a little bit rock and roll. But the kind that would actually do some business on the radio today. TODAY! My country tis of theeeee. Sweet land of libbbberrrrtttyyyy.
Ooh. Forgive me. I Eiced up there for a second.