Posted by: haro1d
I can’t believe that it’s back. Really.
I can’t BELIEVE that it’s back — that “One Tree Hill” could survive into a fifth season is a testament to something, but I still can’t figure out what.
Chances are, if you’re reading this, you know that tonight’s two-hour season premiere put the “Tree Hill” gang four years ahead of when we last saw them groping each other at senior graduation. The biggest surprise? That there was NO surprise. I have to say that for a show this creatively incredible (READ: ludicrously fictitious), I find the trajectories on which the writers have put the kids awfully predictable. Here’s what they’re up to … and what I think they SHOULD have been up to:
Lucas
What He’s Doing: Having published his first novel, he’s now the bow-chicka-bow-bow partner of Lindsay, his editor. His book tour took him to L.A., where people lined up out the door of the bookstore to meet the guy whose high-school journal scribblings made such fascinating reading. And of course, he’s the new head coach of the now-disgraced Tree Hill Ravens. Go team.
What He SHOULD Be Doing: Dead. Killed while heroically saving Peyton, Haley, Nathan, Brooke, Mouth and his Mom from a Dan Scott drunken machine-gun rampage. After his death, he joins Keith in haunting and taunting Dan Scott … and in his spare time, creepily hangs out in the bedrooms of Peyton and Brooke when they’re at their most vulnerable, if you know what I mean.
Peyton
What She’s Doing: Went to L.A. to seek her fortune in the music industry, but is back in Tree Hill ostensibly to find her reason for being. While she’s trying to think of what to do next, who comes along but Lucas? But he’s taken. (See above.) After four years, it’s time for her to come home and start anew.
What She SHOULD Be Doing: Even MORE blow than she ever did in Tree Hill, and trying to become a legendary graffiti artist by drawing her cartoons in bathroom stalls all over L.A. (Because her art MATTERS, dammit!)
Brooke
What She’s Doing: Somehow, perhaps with the aid of her never-seen-I-don’t-believe-they-exist parents’ seemingly unlimited resources, Brooke went to New York and turned Clothes Over Bros into one of the fashion scene’s hottest new fashion houses. But of course, it’s easy to put those kinds of grown-up responsibilities on hold when you want to come back to your hometown, and when you tell your people in New York that you want to relocate your operation back in your old neighborhood, they’re not upset. That’s why they came to work in New York in the first place — they REALLY wanted to get on the fast track to Tree Hill’s garment district.
What She SHOULD Be Doing: More blow than Peyton, and struggling to find her old buddy on various social networking sites.
Nathan
What He’s Doing: In a brawl that sent him through a huge window and lodged some broken glass in his spine, Nathan’s nerve damage has left him somewhat paralyzed and in a wheelchair, enjoying the biggest pity party of all time, taking out his frustration passive-aggressively on his wife and child, and drinking like there’s no tomorrow because … well, there might not be.
What He SHOULD Be Doing: Five to 10 for aggravated assault against his dad a few days after his dad shot Lucas.
Haley
What She’s Doing: In addition to putting up with her pouting, drunky-john husband and taking care of their kid, Haley has started a teaching career, and is taking a bit of sexual harrassment from star basketball player who, of course, is in her class.
What She SHOULD Be Doing: Chris Keller. Because his work in Tree Hill never really is done, is it?
Skills
What He’s Doing: Assistant Coach of the Tree Hill Ravens — and generally, Lucas’ backup.
What He SHOULD Be Doing: With a loan from Lucas (from that stash of cash Lucas found in Dan Scott’s office, the existence of which I believe has yet to be explained), Skills starts a rival car dealership and is the new reigning pre-owned vehicle salesman in Tree Hill. (And by the way, if you’re interested in buying a car, you’d probably be able to buy one from the “One Tree Hill” section of The CW’s website.)
Mouth
What He’s Doing: Having finished college, Mouth is having a hard time getting a broadcast reporting job in the real world.
What He SHOULD Be Doing: After a clerical screw-up left him with 30 unpaid parking tickets, Mouth thinks he’s a fugitive, and is on the run in Mexico, hunting for the lost treasure of Hernando Cortes. (He has to pay off those parking tickets SOMEHOW.) Doesn’t want to return to Tree Hill mainly because of the giant RACHEL tattoo he got around his neck after she got him drunk.
Although I do find the current “OTH” characters’ updated lives predictable, I can’t say that I’m disappointed. That would mean that I cared. But really, as long as my wife insists on watching it, I’ll be happy to continue bringing my insights on this TERRIFIC series as we watch its inevitable slide into syndicated rerun oblivion.
